I feel as though someone has bound my hands together so tightly that is cannot even unclench my fists. I can do nothing with them, I can neither punch nor hit, or even wipe the tears away. I am fucking powerless, and useless and stuck behind fucking glass, watching but not being able to fucking do anything.
Call me selfish, but I can't just fucking switch off caring, as you've done, and wish for me to do. I can't. And I know that I've probably angered you and annoyed you, but I have to keep caring, because that's who I am. I care about you, you're one of my best friends and I love you. I won't deny it and even though you push me away, I won't leave. I may mean nothing to you anymore, but you still mean so much to me. I don't know what else I can say. None of this will mean anything to you, none of it will make a difference, and I'm not even sure why I'm saying it. I guess I just have to. *shrugs*
It's like walking through a field full of oestrogen land mines.
My house is full of walking explosions waiting to happen, in the forms of my mum and my sister, who are at each other's throats, and mine. Fun.
I smell........ *pauses and sniffs* semi-cooked beef. *drools* I don't know where it's coming from, but it smells divine. Damn. I've been eating so much junkfood lately. Uggh. I'm such a blimp. *cries*
Today, for seemingly no apparent reason, smittenness increased by 3% to an astonishing 70.9% which is a mere 9.1% from the dreaded percentage. I'm hoping it levels out soon, I can't afford an increase. I've already got two mortgages out on my sanity. On a similar yet possibly completely unrelated note, Mike, you are SOO unoriginal.
Today I am:
Vindictive: Band 5
Smitten: Band 4
Tired: Band 3
Misanthropic: Band 4
Apathetic: Band 4
Skanky: Band 1
Just so you non-HSC doing people know, Bands are what most HSC assessment tasks are marked in. They range from Band 1, which is a non-attempt to Band 6 which means it's virtually perfect, an A+ if you like. I'm using the same basic principle, i.e. Band 1 = not at all, and Band 6 = extremely. Hope that makes sense, although I don't particularly care if it doesn't. It works in my twisted little nutshell of a brain. *shrugs*
caroline 17:46 [+] ...
I got even boreder, so now I'm creating a "which Skank are you?" test. Beats studying.
Someone kindly informed me today that I have a crush on Scott. I'm glad they took the time to tell me this, being totally unaware of the fact until it was so mentioned. What would I do without idle gossip?
caroline 21:20 [+] ...
:: ::
i gots bored so I did lots ov quizzes. I have no life. *shrugs*
caroline 18:14 [+] ...
:: ::
Legolas is my fancy! What's your fancy? Click here and tell the world!
You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's a little bit cocky and usually associated with evil or arrogant,but attractive people.You probably just don't give a damn,but it's everyone else's fault if you don't because you're too awesome to have any real faults.
One down, two to go. The performance went well, it was fun and everyone peformed superbly. It was exhilirating. I was on such a high, but now I'm just too tired to bounce off the walls. But it was fuckin good.
Meanwhile, the not-crush situation is worsening, if that's the right word for it. Deepening perhaps? I don;t know. The delusion has worsened though. More frequently now I let myself think there might be something between us. I'm an idiot. A silly, stupid, smitten idiot.
I had a nap yesterday, I had a nap today, and yet I'm still dead on my feet. Frikkin Hsc year. How dare it rob me of all semblance of energy? What a bastard.
caroline 17:23 [+] ...
:: Friday, March 14, 2003 ::
"I said what you wanted to hear and what I wanted to say, so I will take it back"
Ben Folds Five
caroline 22:58 [+] ...
:: ::
*toasts the success of template-fucking, without ANY knowledge of html*
Go me.
that's good news after so much bad.
holy mackerel! I'm spurting out random Caucasian Chalk Circle quotes! Someone commit me, please. Bloody drama.
i spilled food all over me today.
I left my shoes at school.
I lost my funky balloon.
I got an uber ick headache.
I'm still uber angry about W C.
But there were plusses to today.
I got lots ov glitter and some stickers.
I had a yummy kebab for lunch.
I got a really cool balloon, which amused me for a whole 5 minutes.
Deon got his P's and I got to confuse the shit out of him.
I (surprisingly) had a pretty interesting convo with Rob. Not surprising because I think he's boring, just surprising because I really don't know him.
But now, staring at a bright white screen is exacerbating my headache, so I shall hence retire to my chambers.
Fuckin W C.
Fucking corrupt arseholes.
Fucking skanks masquerading as christians.
How dare you try and get Jenny in shit for her PERSONAL blog? How dare you go and read it in the first place, freakin voyeurs. And what makes you think you have the right to take this to a teacher? This has nothing to do with her. Are you so weak you can't even fight your own battles skank? That's just truly pathetic.
Get over it, learn to deal with your own skankyness, and learn some basic decency.
And as for the staff of W C who find it necessary to not only violate Jenny's privacy but also persecute her for her opinions, you should be fucking ashamed of yourself. Whatever happened to your christian ideals? Do they only count for the students you deem worthy? Fucking hypocrites. Especially you. (you know who you are). You're the worst of the lot. You live your life vicariously through a talentless bimbo, while neglecting those with actual talent. You play favourites, and spend an age counselling people whose only problem is their own sluttiness, while ignoring those who actually need help. You are fucking scum, that is all I can say. Fucking scum.
Last night I (wrote) wrote a post. But it's upstairs, and I'm downstairs, and far too lazy to go and get it. It was about the joys of being delusional, especially in regards to (not)crushes. It's so nice to occasionally, in a fit of stupidity, let oneself believe that something could happen. Of course, I know nothing can or will, but hey, a girl is allowed random flashes of insanity right? Oh shut up.
I had really horrible dreams last night. I can't really remember them, but I know they were really horrible. One involved some guy killing his brother. It was really scary. I hate dreams like that. It's probably because i had pizza for dinner. Stupid pizza. Although it was yummy. And last night WAS fun, until I fell asleep that is.
*stretches mind* I can't think of anything to write. Which is hardly unusual I suppose. I'm not a very interesting person. Get over it.
I'm in Canberra. Joy of joys. Could be worse. At least I get out of the stupid rehearsal tomorrow morning. And I get to go to a party tonight with alcamahol. *laughs at erin* I win.
caroline 19:36 [+] ...
:: Thursday, March 06, 2003 ::
Uggh. A certain corpse is totally getting on my nerves of late. I'd like to slap her and tell her to get over it.
Freakin teen relationships. They're all so fucked. Lucky I'll nevr get a boyfriend, so I won't have to deal with any of my own. See? there is good in all situations. (except maths)
Do you know what I realised that oh so amusing? I'm happier than mike! I think this requires an "I WIN!" *dances*
caroline 22:22 [+] ...
:: ::
This post could never ever measure up to the post which blogger ate yesterday. I'm too demoralised to even try. That and I'm tired. Fucking drama. FReakin mr Baines.
I'm too tired. Sorry figments
caroline 22:04 [+] ...
:: Wednesday, March 05, 2003 ::
I wrote a huge post.
It was monster, it said so much.
I was proud of that post.
It was one of my best.
Blogger ate it.
It's all gone
Today Jared said that "this whole thing [blogging] is stupid." I have to say I completely disagree. A lot of people who dislike blogs have the misconception that blogs are like personal diaries, and that the people who read them are voyeurs and gossips. While I'll grant that this is true in some cases, the whole point of a blog is different from that of a diary. Diaries are places for private introspection whereas blogs are very public examinations of the writer's world. A blog is a completedly different text type, even the name should suggest that to you. It's short for "web log", so really it's more like a ship's log than a personal diary.
Personally, I like my blog. I use it to communicate with friends, analyse my life, say things I didn't get a chance to say during the day, and also to practice writing. I get a lot more out of writing this blog than I do from writing on scraps of paper. So tell me Jared, how is that stupid?
Uggh. This free period is SO boring. I'm pretending that I'm looking up history shit. See how bored I am? Uggh. I wish I was truanting.
caroline 09:49 [+] ...
:: Sunday, March 02, 2003 ::
How would you categorise a crush that isn't a crush? I don't want to have a relationship with him, and yet when I'm near him in class, I can't concentrate on anything but what he's saying, what he's doing. How bizarre and pathetic does that make me? What are you supposed to do with a not-crush? Squish it? Forget about it? Let it fester until it turns into a crush? More importantly, should you tell the object of your not-crush that u like them? Or is that stupid? I hope one of you figments have the answer, cos I have no fucking clue.
Incoherent Inane Babble Lists ov Thee Day
I like:
People you can talk to for hours on end about anything and everything, and when your done, still have a million things you want to say to them.
Mashies. Mushy goodness bathed in gooey gravy.
Violent political uprisings.
Cheese
I think the following smell bad:
msn messenger. where are the funky noises?
trillian. why the fuck have you stopped working?
Lying people. Do you honestly think you'll gain popularity from it?
Young love. *retches*
Pink dinosaurs
And people who don't reply to me on messenger.
